Or, The Time I Got Over My Amnesia and Remembered I Had A Blog. Just kidding. I never, not for one second of every day forget I have a blog. I do, however, periodically allow The Idea of my blog to beat me up a little bit and shut me up. Certainly when I started this journey I had ideas and expectations of how blogging would work, things I wanted to write about and how that all would look in the well-polished world of the internet. And of course it was all ice cream, rainbows, and unicorns in my mind.
Unfortunately, I underestimated how uncomfortable I am at times with my own thoughts and ideas as they play tug of war with my most closely held beliefs. In the past few months, I have started to ask questions of epic proportions (to me) that are causing radical paradigm shifts for me. (I sincerely hope that didn’t sound scary, but in a way it has been). As I’ve been dialoguing with friends about these things, praying about them, reading about them, studying them, I have been EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!! But in a good way, because what I am learning more and more is that the Gospel really is MUCH BETTER GOOD NEWS THAN I EVER IMAGINED!
I have lived my life in a very carefully constructed world of absolutes that are now being obliterated in almost every way imaginable. Don’t worry, Jesus is still non-negotiable for me. His Word, Scripture, is still non-negotiable for me. The unconditional love of God is more real and important to me than it’s ever been. While they are foundational to everything I believe, they are also the flies in the ointment of my religious constructs. I am coming face-to-face with how my own experiences, culture, family background and pre-conceived ideas have limited/shaped my beliefs and then how I lived my life. AND I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT!
In fact, I have been so uncomfortable with it that I have felt very inhibited in sharing in this space. I feel total freedom to ponder deep paradigm shifting ideas. I feel very free to ask questions. But I am cognizant of the power of words and the enormous possibility of being misunderstood while I am in the middle of all of my messy processing.
So instead, I have been silent.
Fear that my mess might be misunderstood or judged has kept me from openly expressing my thoughts. For me these ideas are so life altering that they are certainly going to ooze out here in the blogosphere. To me that’s frightening.
My husband looked me in the eye last week (while we were sitting in the middle of a car dealership, buying a car – we have deep conversations in the strangest places) and said, “Kim, stop being afraid of failing and just go for it.” I couldn’t help but wonder, “What if I say something you don’t agree with?” The salesman came back in and I forgot to ask.
I knew God was speaking to me through Popey. He’s said it in several other ways, too. While I am uncomfortable with all this paradigm shifting, the Truth is there’s a ton of freedom in it. There’s more peace than I’ve ever felt. I feel like I understand what Jesus meant when He said, “My burden is easy and My yoke is light.”
So, The Idea of my blog, you know, the ice cream-rainbows-unicorns version has been shattered. I’m just going to show up, in the middle of my process (whatever that is today and whatever that may be tomorrow), share what’s on my mind, and invite you into the discussion in the comments.
In case there was any doubt, I have absolutely nothing figured out. But I am committed to this journey with Jesus and with you. Amen.
How is God speaking to you right now? Are you always comfortable when He’s working love and freedom into your life? How does it impact others around you?
I’m so thrilled to read this! You have such a way of inviting others in to the “realness” of life in your conversations and times of teaching and bringing that in to your blog is a blessing and benefit for all who LOVE to read your written word. Thanks for the inspiration, it has given me courage to start working on a post that has been twirling around in my head for months, but I have been afraid of ruffling feathers, so I’ve not dared let out. I know that God wants it written but fear of woman has kept me from it.
Thank you Alison. I needed to hear this more than I knew. It’s hard wrestling through our stuff alone. I often forget I don’t have to.
Bring it on! Excited to hear all about it!
[…] been in the middle of a messy place for many months. In my last post I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with my own thoughts and that they are playing tug of war with […]