As I was going through my usual well-planned and highly organized process of formulating this post, my initial idea was that it should be titled Things Not to Do in a Bathing Suit. However, as I started chatting with one of my girls about the most important part of this post she presented a different point of view on the subject so it blew my plan for a consistent theme.
So instead it’s just a list of random, strange, funny thoughts that occurred to me while sitting four or five hours a day on a beach for six days in a row.
1. Men over the age of 5 should NEVER wear a Speedo in public unless they are part of a professional water sport team! I don’t care what kind of great shape you are in for whatever age you are! And I think if in fact they are a member of a professional water sport team they should be required to carry identification that proves membership of said team any time they wear the suit in question, just like the FBI. I am also considering starting a petition to the governing bodies of said water sport teams stating that I am willing to accept slower water sport times in competition for the sake of modesty.
After this week all I can say is that it will take a while for my retinas to recover. I have probably gone years without seeing a man in a Speedo and this year I was confronted with multiple assaults. Thanks for bearing with me, I’ve been waiting all week to get that out.
Now this is the point my daughter took issue with me on. Just to be fair and balanced, I said I would also represent her side on such an important point. There was a particular man in question who was probably in his 60’s and looked like he had trained for the Olympics almost every day of his life. She countered me with the fact that he should be applauded for his bravery and courage, for being himself and not caring what others think.
Again, what gene pool did she draw from???? Thinking for herself? Not caring what other people think (that’s just crazy talk)? Stating her opinion in well-thought out arguments? Being logical? What kind of parenting job have her father and I done? I blame him. (WARNING: Tremendous SARCASM).
She and I did agree on one point, if you wear a Speedo in public, we reserve to the right to comment. The commenting part is what proves that she is actually my daughter.
2. When you are packed into an elevator with strangers at the end of a long day on the beach and someone asks you where you and your family are from, if you answer then you are in fact having a conversation with a total stranger while half naked. Even in a modest suit we all have on less clothes than normal. If I don’t talk to strangers while fully clothed, why would I tell them where I live with only half my clothes on? I told you, these are just random thoughts that popped into my head.
3. I don’t care what the offense is, if you stand on the beach yelling at your kids while wearing your bikini, you look ridiculous. They can’t possibly be taking you seriously. If it’s that bad take them to the room, get dressed and then put on your angry eyes so that they get the point. Otherwise, they are probably just laughing at you on the inside.
4. Any activities that require jumping or running should not be done in a bathing suit.
5. Now this next observation is clearly from a lifetime of honing my professional level people watching skills, so read carefully, you don’t want to miss it. It is a universal truth and does not vary across age or gender. NEVER bend over while in your swimsuit. There is no way to avoid vital parts of your anatomy either spilling out or worse being exposed. For those nearby when you bend over in your swimsuit…well, there are no words.
If you happen to have dropped the most important thing you own onto the sand and absolutely have to get it back, then for heaven’s sake offer the nearest kid $1 and let them pick it up for you.
6. I think I proved a theory my family has had about me for years…I can actually sit completely still in a chair for days on end and do nothing but read. They all knew it, but now I have really done it.
7. Finally, don’t get me wrong, I loved taking my kids to the beach when they were little, but it is infinitely better now that they are teenagers. The reasons are endless, but mostly there’s just way less whining and crying and counting heads every 10 seconds to make sure no one wandered off. Now if I whine or cry or wander off they are old enough to just wait for me to get over it. 🙂
I actually do have deeper thoughts, but they just didn’t seem to fit here so I will save them. I would however like to point out the OBVIOUS connection to this post and reigning in life – laughter is a gift and should be enjoyed every single day whether you are wearing a bathing suit or not, but especially if you are!