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Did You Really Just Ask Me That?

Inspired by my success in changing cable and internet providers and feeling liberated from fear (fear of my cable company? See the last post.), I got brave and called around to shop for a better deal on car insurance. I know this sounds ridiculous.  It is something that grace-filled people do all the time…shop for what they need, at the best price without being encumbered by fear and guilt.  I just hated the idea of the inevitable conversation where you have to fire your old insurance company.  Not only do I not like conflict, I go to great lengths to avoid it.  When you’ve spent your entire life trying to cover up who you are, conflict is your worst nightmare…it might actually expose you as the failure and fraud you think you are.

Back to car insurance…so flying high on the cable episode, I spent four and a half hours on the phone calling three different companies and comparing quotes.  It really takes a lot of time when you own six vehicles, but the six vehicles are a whole blog series on their own.  At the end of the process I made a decision that would save us $65 per month, almost $800 per year.  I was so excited I was almost giddy.

The next morning I called my current car insurance company to let them know I needed to cancel my policy.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:    Good morning.  Yes, you can help me.  I need to cancel my current car insurance. 

Car Insurance Lady:         Well we are so sorry to hear that you are leaving us.  May I ask why?

Me:    Well, I called around and was able to find the exact same coverage for almost $800 per year less. (It took me an hour of prayer and rehearsal to get that sentence out on the phone without hyperventilating).

Car Insurance Lady:         Wow, are you sure the coverages are the same because I know that our rates are pretty competitive?

Me:    Yes, my coverages are exactly the same.

Car Insurance Lady:         Well, did you speak to someone here to make sure you are getting our best rate?

[Eyeballs popping out of my head, steam coming out of my ears, blood pressure rising]

Me:    Are you actually telling me that I have been a good customer for five years and I have to call you and ask to get your best rate?  Why wouldn’t you be giving me your best rate to begin with?  Why would anyone have to call and ask not to be overcharged?  Who would sign up to be ripped off???? 

This conversation happened a while ago and I am still steamed.  However, the more I’ve thought about it the more I’ve asked myself, do I only give the people in my life my best when it is profitable for me?  Do I force them to come to me and ask for my best?  What level of “service” do I provide when it actually costs me something to serve other people?  What does that do to the people I love?

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What’s That?

I’ve noticed a pattern in my life lately.  The more I explore and experience this idea of grace, the more willing I am to try new things.  When you are bound up in the fear of the consequences of every decision you make it is much easier to live with a lot of things the way they are.  Change, even small change can be very difficult, exhausting, and overwhelming. 

For instance, I have had the same cable, and later internet, provider for about 20 years.  And for about that long they have been the only game in town.  Even when satellite TV became an option I was interested, but I was too afraid to try (I know…it’s insane).  But a few months ago I heard a neighbor go on and on about this new option we have in our neighborhood.  So I hopped online and did my research.  I found out I could get more service for less money.  Less money…that sealed the deal for me…I am always looking to save money.  Many times I am trying to save money out of fear, but this time was different.  I actually felt exhilarated trying something completely different.  Something my friends don’t have.  And (gasp) something even my parents don’t have.

So I went through the online order process, set my appointment date and three short days later two kind installers showed up at my house, in the pouring rain exactly on time.  One of them went outside to do  whatever has to happen out there so I have internet and cable in here.  So I showed the other gentleman around so he could see where everything needed to go.

When we got upstairs to the master bedroom (yes I have a tv in the master bedroom, please don’t judge) he looked to see where the lines came into the room and where they fed into the cable box and internet modem.   As he’s following the cables he said, “Well you won’t have to deal with that anymore.”  Me:  “Deal with what?”  Kind Installer Don:  “That huge cable running through the middle of your bedroom floor (unspoken: with that ugly rug over it).”  Me: “I won’t?”  Kind Installer Don:  “No ma’am.  That’s ridiculous.  They never should have installed it that way.”

Do you know that “ridiculous” cable has run across the middle of my bedroom floor since 2001?!?!  The sad and interesting thing is that it NEVER occurred to me that it shouldn’t!  A kind, unassuming stranger walked into my bedroom and immediately noticed the problem.  Then my mind went to, “How many other things do I just trip over in my life because it hasn’t occur to me that they were in the way and ridiculous?”

What about you, have you ever had an “ah ha” moment when you saw something for what it was?  Have you ever ignored something that should be considered a problem so long that it becomes part of your landscape and you don’t even see it anymore?

Father, show us the ridiculous things in our lives that you want to remove so we can walk freely in Your grace.  Open our eyes to the things we’ve just chosen not to see.

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Paul, Again

One of the many things I always think about in the New Year, but usually don’t do is memorize Scripture.  This year over on Ann Voskamp’s blog, www.aholyexperience.com, she decided to memorize three chapters of Romans and invited her blog community to join her.  I wrestled with this for a few days because I didn’t want to decide to do something and then not do it because I didn’t count the cost.  But how could I turn down one of my favorite authors (Paul) and one of my favorite letters (Romans)?

I quickly got to work on the first verse, because I hate being behind and I started a few days late.  Here is how Paul begins, the first chapter, first verse of Romans:

1 Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, (ESV)

The more I type it (Ann recommends a GREAT site www.ScriptureTyper.com), the more I read it out loud, the more I meditate on it, I am stunned by what Paul says about himself or rather what he doesn’t say.  He doesn’t introduce himself in terms of what he does.  He introduces himself in terms of who he is.  He tells us who he truly is at the core of his being.  He doesn’t talk about how he makes money (tent maker), where he lives (homeless as far as I can tell) or where he went to school (Gamaliel School of Phariseeism).  He doesn’t talk about how successful he his (how many came to the last class he taught at the synagogue) or how unsuccessful he is (how after his last class at the synagogue they beat him).  He strictly focuses on his identity in relationship to Jesus.

Could I do that?  Could I introduce myself to people as Kim, slave of Christ Jesus, called to equip others to study God’s word for themselves, set apart for the gospel of God? Could I say just that, nothing more, nothing less?

A few weeks ago someone I don’t know very well asked if I work.  For what seemed like hours but was in fact just a few seconds I really searched for the words that would adequately express what I do.  I realized though I was searching for words that would somehow justify me and my life.  It didn’t seem enough in the moment to say, “I drive my kids to school, cook, clean, study and teach Bible study, and otherwise serve Jesus.” 

But why not? The things I do are natural expressions of who I am.  Being a wife, mother, Bible study teacher – they don’t help me climb any ladders; they don’t earn money; they don’t make me famous. But they demonstrate who I am. Why do I (or can I suppose we) think what we do gives us more worth than whose we are?

I love an author who can really drive home a point in just a few words. 

 

 

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Disclaimer

I am about a week and a half into this blogging journey and I want you to know how scary this is for me. On a cold, Friday afternoon, after two extra cups of coffee, I sat on my new, big, red couch (more on this later) feeling really brave and decided to create my blog. So I did. It took me until Monday to work up the courage to write my first post. Once I had written it, it took me a couple of more hours to work up the courage to hit the Publish button. When I did hit Publish I closed my eyes and winced as if someone were yanking a band aid off of the most sensitive part of my body. (Fyi…the Publish button is bullying me around a bit. It taunts me every time I sit down to write. Staring at me from the right hand side of the screen as if daring me to touch it. You can pray for me. In fact, please do, I have no idea what I am doing technically speaking.)

My second day of blogging I figured out how to link my blog to my Facebook page. It took me several more days to actually link it and share a post there. To me that was scarier than hitting the Publish button. I had a mild panic attack afterwards. My hands were shaking, my breathing became irregular, my legs felt rubbery and I got nauseous. I felt like I had just invited the whole world (well 124 of them, Facebook friends) into my bedroom to go through my underwear drawer or worse to see me naked. In fact, my heart is racing this very minute just thinking about it again. I have issues with naked.

All that said, it is becoming more and more apparent that I struggle with letting people in. With letting them see the real me. To allow them to know me, all of me – the good, the bad and the ugly. So that’s part of what this space is about. Sharing myself, an image bearer of God, and my journey with others. Something of a personal travel journal.

For those of you who know and love me and might be concerned that I am probably working out some issues I am wrestling with right here on my blog, in public, let me just say upfront, you are probably exactly right! I think that if I am wrestling then others are too. Also, you know how frugal I am, this is free and I can do it from home. Counseling is expensive and I have to get dressed and go out for it.

I will leave you with a quote by Theodore Roosevelt that the Lord used to encourage me during my panic attack:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

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Is Jesus Enough?

I’ve been taking an eight month advanced discipleship course at a local grace based ministry.  The topic for last week’s class was “Law and Grace”.  This is a topic I’ve really spent the last year pondering, studying, and exploring.  So honestly when I saw the topic for the night I wasn’t expecting anything really new.  I think the Father got a little chuckle out of that…

At one point in the discussion the instructor asked this very question, “Is Jesus enough?”  OBVIOUS answer, right?  Of course He his!  My mind immediately leapt to all the reasons that yes, Jesus is enough.  About how His sacrifice covered all sin for all time for all who receive Him.  About how He is the only one qualified to be Savior.  About how He is God as well as man. Therefore, He is YHWH; He is El Shaddai (the All Sufficient One); He is El Elyon; He is Jehovah Rapha; etc. – He is God, so of course He is enough.

Less than 48 hours later I bumped into what is a consistently difficult situation for me to handle.  In prayer I cried out to God and said, “But Lord, I want to be chosen, I want to be accepted, I want to be loved.”  What I meant was, “I want this person to choose me, I want to be accepted, I want to be loved by them and if they don’t it undoes me.”  Hhhhmmmm…

And still I am thinking, “Jesus is enough.”  Really???  If Jesus is enough (to me), how does one situation have the power to make me believe I am not chosen, I am not accepted, I am not loved when God’s Word, Truth, tells me that in Christ ALL of those things are true? 

What is it that I really believe?  My actions and reactions are revealing what I truly believe.  It’s in the challenging moments when the rubber meets the road that what’s really in our hearts comes out.  How do you know what is inside a tube of toothpaste until pressure is applied on the outside?  That’s when what is on the inside comes out.  I didn’t like what I saw come out of this tube – UNBELIEF!

One of my favorite characters in Scripture is Paul, for many reasons, but what hit me today is that Paul had opportunity every day to see what was truly in his heart.  When he was beaten, what came out of his mouth?  Praise and gratitude.  When he was imprisoned, how did he respond? He sang hymns to God.  He wrote letters to the church of Jesus Christ.  When the thorn in his flesh plagued him and God would not take it away? He accepted that God’s grace is sufficient.

I am sure Paul felt alone, rejected and unloved by those God sent him to, but he always believed he was chosen, accepted and loved by God (even after the thorn in the flesh incident).  The evidence is in the fact that he actively chose to love those who treated him the worst by sharing the gospel, the saving grace of Jesus Christ with them.  Jesus was enough for Paul.  Paul was so convinced of his relationship with Christ that he is still bearing fruit today through his letters to the churches.

Is Jesus enough for me?  Will I let go of temporal feelings to allow Him to bear eternal fruit in my life?  Will I actively love in the painful moments? 

 

 

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Beginning

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Kim – wife; mother of three wonderful girls (in spite of me); a former overachiever, perfectionist, and a self-sufficient rule follower with a hyper-sense of responsibility for absolutely everything.   I am a woman who has spent most of her life trying to make herself acceptable to everyone, including the only One who matters.  The One who had already accepted me completely.

Where to start?  How do you begin when you are really still in the middle?  When you want to tell your story, but you are really not quite sure where you are in it?  When you tell a story, aren’t you supposed to know how it ends first?

I guess I will begin in the middle because I really didn’t have a story to tell until I realized I was coming apart, unglued, UNRAVELED.  Everything I had tried to knit together in order to cover mySELF (my shame, embarrassment, fear, unworthiness, insecurity) began to come apart exposing all the ugly, naked truth about me.  The sad part was that for quite a while I kept trying to hold it all together.  I figured if I just worked harder at it I could keep myself covered.  It was exhausting and ridiculous! 

Actually, looking back, I think it bordered on insane, which is how I got here.  My life motto had become, “Suck it up and keep moving.”  No matter how bad things got, I just painted on a smile, fixed my hair and kept going.  That is until the One who loves me without limits and without conditions said, “Enough!”  It may as well have been a voice from heaven that sent me spiraling.  I am not entirely sure exactly what triggered “the episode” (I vaguely remember it had something to do with cupcakes and budgets), but whatever it was landed me in bed for days, crying uncontrollably, medicated and wondering if my mind was ever going to function properly again. 

The truth was my mind was probably functioning more properly at that moment than it had in a long time.  I had managed to completely overload all of my circuits and it had the good sense to shut itself off.  I could barely put two words together, which is actually a good thing when the last thing you should be doing is talking.

We rarely recognize life changing moments as they happen.  Often we need to see them from a different perspective, after time has passed (and after sanity has returned) to appreciate them for what they are.  Otherwise, how could I call those few days some of the most important in my life?  Earth shattering and life altering at the same time.  Terrifying and oddly peaceful.  Ugly and beautiful all at once.  Sometimes it takes a powerful force to cause something to change direction.  I am embarrassed to say I didn’t take the subtle hints My Father had been giving me for quite some time.   God in all of His power had to intervene to get this freight train to change course.  This is what I like to refer to as the beginning of “The Great Unraveling.”  More on this later.

It’s amazing what God can do with dust, isn’t?  He can take it and make something profoundly beautiful out of it.  It’s called grace.  I’ve been a believer since I was about eight years old when I committed my life to Christ, but somewhere along the way I completely missed grace.  And that’s why I am here in this space, unraveling the mysteries of His grace that has so unraveled me.

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Grace, the Gift

Ephesians 2:4-10

4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
A gift. By definition a gift is not something that is earned. If it was earned it would be called compensation or a reward. A gift is given at the unction of the giver. For some reason within the giver himself.

So what prompted God to give grace? What motivated God to give the gift? God was completely motivated by His own mercy and His own love for us. There was no “benefit” for God. There was no trade-off. He simply wanted us to be alive with Christ. He wanted to show us the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness.

So why is it so hard to receive a gift? Even in human relationships when someone gives me a gift it is very difficult to receive without somehow feeling the need to reciprocate with a gift of my own. Isn’t this what we often do at Christmas? Give gifts because other people have given gifts to us. Or worse, don’t we sometimes give in order to get from others?

To receive from God seems so overwhelming to me because I know the stuff of which I am made, apart from Christ. I know what I am capable of and what I have done. I know the things I think and don’t say out loud. I am not worthy. But that’s what makes the gift so incredible…it was given when I was dead in my sin, before I ever even considered not being in sin. It wasn’t given because I somehow earned it. I hadn’t done enough good things to make me worthy of the gift. God gave the gift because of who He is, not because of who I am. And yet because of what He did I now have worth. I now have value. I am no longer dead, I am alive. I didn’t earn it, I received it.

Receiving it…ahhh…that’s the hard part, isn’t it? At least it is for me. When I received the gift of grace I immediately felt that I had a debt to repay (which I guess begs the question, did I really receive it?) and set out to work as hard as I could and to work as perfectly as I could to pay Jesus back for His sacrifice. Something was definitely wrong with that picture! The sad part is that it took me about 36 years, a lifetime of difficult relationships and a host of digestive disorders to realize I had missed a very crucial truth of the gospel…IT IS A GIFT. Period. End of story. You either receive it or you don’t.

This truth is what has brought me to this place. I had knit together a version of myself that did not function well. But slowly, surely, faithfully, relentlessly, patiently God has been unraveling me with His love. Unraveling me with the truth of His grace. It is a gift.

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Welcome

Hello. I have waited a long time for this day. For my first official blog post. Honestly, I have waited probably two years. I’ve had the name for months, I’ve had the desire for a LONG time, but I’ve waited. Why?

The short answer is fear. Fear that I will say the wrong thing. Fear that I won’t have anything to say. Fear that no one will like me. Fear that I won’t be able to figure out the technology. Fear that I might offend with my theology. Fear that I don’t understand my own theology or that I don’t have the right one. Fear it won’t be pleasing to the eye or laid out well. Fear of criticism. Fear that if I finally, actually say what I am thinking it won’t matter.

BUT…love and faith finally won out (thank You Lord!) and I am finally ready to begin.

I sort of feel like the Fellowship of the Ring as they began their journey and set out from Rivendell: nervous, a little afraid but excited at the idea of adventure into the wild unknown. Here at the beginning I admit upfront (to myself mostly) that I will make mistakes. I may not post as often as I would like. I may not figure out the lingo. I may not figure out how to increase blog traffic. Shoot! I may not figure out how to get ANY blog traffic. I won’t always use proper grammar. And yes, it may get messy.

But I have a desire to share my journey of grace and to invite you to share yours. To unravel the mystery of it and share how it has unraveled me: the good, the bad and the ugly.