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31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 5

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The Greatest Gift
Reading Selection for December 3rd
“Where Are You?”

Genesis 3:8-9 (NLT) – “So they hid from the Lord God among the trees.  Then the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?”

In my last post I mentioned how as a little girl in Sunday School my big take away from The-Gospel-As-Behavior-Management presentation of the Creation Story helped launch me into life simply trying not to make mistakes because it makes God mad.

Trying not to make mistakes (which unbeknownst to me at the time is IMPOSSIBLE) led to a life, and I use that term loosely—closer to existence–of hiding.  Hiding from God, hiding from myself, hiding from those closest to me.  Hiding took many forms and many masks.  Let me introduce you to a few of them:

“Responsible Girl” –        She was responsible for EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING even remotely connected to her life.  Unfortunately this really made everything about her, including significant world events.

“Self-sufficient Girl”-      She never needed any help for anything even if she was dying…and she was, on the inside.  Her twin is named “NOT the Needy the Girl”.

“Good Girl”-       She couldn’t stand for anyone to ever think she did anything wrong.  If anyone ever did think she had made a mistake it completely undid her and sent her into an emotional tail spin.

“Smart Girl” –     She made me feel better when in my high school career I only had two dates.  And on the nights of my Junior and Senior Proms when I sat at home alone she told me it was going to be better in college and I needed to keep focusing on my grades because some girls were pretty and loveable and some girls were smart.

 

Photo Credit: Wikimedia.org

And on and on it goes.  Underneath it all the only thing I wanted was to be seen and to be known and to be loved for who I was, not what I did.

The truth is, I was seen, I was known and I was loved for exactly who I was, I just didn’t know it.  And just like Adam and Eve, in the midst of all my hiding, Love was asking, “Where are you, Kim?”  My fear that God was angry with me for all of my failures and mistakes kept me hiding and wearing masks for many more years…so long in fact, that I am now only beginning to know myself.

As I read those verses above in Genesis 3, though, now I don’t hear anger in God’s voice.  I hear a Loving Father searching for His children.  He’s concerned for them and He misses their presence.  He’s asking the question, “Where are you?” not because He doesn’t know where they are, but because they don’t know where they are.  “Where are you?” was an invitation to pause, take stock of their current position and run, not walk, straight back to God.  He was calling them back to Love.

And in a lifetime of hiding, I can now look back (hindsight’s always 20/20 you know) and hear the echoes of the voice of God in my life, “Where are you, Kim?”

He’s been coming for us, for you and me, since the beginning.  And He’s still coming for us, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

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31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 4

 

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The Greatest Gift
Reading Selection for December 2nd
“Life Begins as a Love Story”

Genesis 1:27 (NLT) – “So God created human beings in His own image.”

As a kid I used to wonder why God created humans last.  In my childish way of thinking, I would have created the most important thing first.  But growing up in a church tradition that was way more concerned about good behavior than a relationship with the Creator of the universe, we tended to focus on the part of the story where Adam and Eve fell and sin entered in.  My big take away from that emphasis on human failure was to spend the bulk of my life simply trying not to make mistakes because it made God mad.

That’s not living.  Trying not to mess up, trying not to sin, trying not to fail is not the abundant life Jesus came to give me.  Behavior management is always an inferior goal.  The gospel, what God intended all along, is so much more than that.  But I digress…

Back to Creation…beyond childhood Sunday School, I hadn’t thought much about it until a few years ago our Bible study group did an intense study of Genesis.  For several weeks I was immersed in the study of that first week and the wonder of all that happened.  As we talked about the order that came from nothing it became apparent to me, as I am sure the rest of the class already knew, that man was created last because God was preparing a place for him first.

My practical, efficient mind that strives to sort and order all the information it takes in, blessed God’s decision to do it that way, and so I finally said, “Oh, that makes sense.”

Well, of course it makes sense, but recently I’ve been looking at the totality of Scripture a little differently.  Instead of looking at it as a sum of 66 parts of information, I’ve started seeing it from beginning to end as one continuous Love story.  As I move through Scripture and allow God to reveal His Love for me, the journey has changed.  It’s no longer about gathering facts to build a case for why we must live up to God’s perfect standards, it’s about knowing the Author and allowing His Love to transform me.  The journey has become about intimate relationship with Him and it’s no longer about behavior management.

So once again back to Creation, now I see that yes He was preparing a place where we could live.  But it’s more than that– He was lovingly preparing a home for His bride.  All of Creation was intended as a gift for us to enjoy.  The Creator wanted to “Wow!” us with His Love and beauty.  He wanted us to be wonderstruck at just what great lengths He would go to in order to Love us well.

He’s been coming for us even from the beginning.

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31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 3

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The Greatest Gift
Reading Selection for December 1st pp. 1 – 7
“It is Advent: Come”

This first Advent reading selection is based on Isaiah 11:1 (NLT) – “Out of the stump of David’s family will grow a shoot— yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root.”

Out of the stump of Jesse, Isaiah writes. I don’t know about you, but to me stumps represent things that once were and what no longer is. Things that appear to dead.

My husband and I still live in the home we bought one month before we were married over 22 years ago. It seemed so large and grand when it was just the two of us and not one stick of furniture. All we brought to that house were ourselves, some hand-me-down furniture (some of which I still own), our dreams and some memorabilia of life before we were an Us.

I don’t remember taking note of it before we bought the house, but once we moved in and started taking stock of our little homestead, both of us quickly fell in love with a little mimosa tree in the front yard. I don’t think I had ever seen one before. When it was in bloom each morning as the sun came up it would unfurl its fronds as if to display its beauty just for us to see. At night the branches would sort of close in on themselves as the sun went down, like the tree was going to sleep. I think that it bloomed twice a year. And for those few weeks each time it bloomed, it was like receiving a personal, “Good morning” and “Good night” from the Lord, just for me and Popey.

People who knew about these trees warned us that they are fragile and usually don’t last very long, but ours did. For 18 or 19 years that tree welcomed us every time we pulled into the driveway and even tucked us in at night. It beckoned a newlywed couple into an adventure of life together; it smiled on us as we brought home three beautiful babies from the hospital; it comforted us as we arrived home from funerals; it sent us out into the world each day with a smile; and it waved at kids getting off the school bus every afternoon. That tree said, “Home” to me and my family.

It grew so tall that it overshadowed everything else in the front yard. It felt like a protective canopy spread over our home. I loved that tree. I even loved it when the wind blew its fronds to the ground and the driveway and yard were covered with the tiny seeds. I loved it still when the blooms died and fell onto the driveway. I loved it a little less when it rained on top of those blooms and fronds and made our driveway so slick that you could practically skate down it.

Sadly a few years ago we woke up one morning after it had stormed and a significant branch was lying across our driveway. We had known the mimosa was too big, too weak and even though we had cut down some of the dead branches it wasn’t enough. It was time to cut the whole thing down. To me it was like cutting the hopes and dreams and expectancy of those newlyweds down. It was like saying good-bye to those two precious, unsuspecting kids who, in spite of themselves, had made a home in the blue house with the beautiful mimosa.

What had once looked so welcoming and comforting to me, looked barren and sad after Popey cut down that tree. In some ways it felt like I moved from a season of everything being a new adventure to the middle years where a heavy sense of resignation moved in for a long, cold visit.

A couple of years later, I pulled into the driveway one day and for some reason glanced over at the stump that used to be our grand mimosa. Right in the center of that stump were several mimosa shoots starting to pop up. I couldn’t help but smile. In the middle of that ugly stump was the hope of something new, something potentially grand. Popey told me not to get my hopes up, that it is very unlikely they will ever grow into a full-sized tree. But my hopes are up, I can’t help myself. I am smiling right now thinking about it.

As I read the verse for the first day of Advent, it reminds me that in things much bigger and more important than trees, I can have hope in the stump-y seasons. Right in the middle of seasons that seem dead and impossible. The coming of Christ two thousand years ago was the hope, the promise of new life in the middle of the dead stump of humanity. He came and He’s still coming. Every day, He’s still coming for us.

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31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 2

The Greatest Gift
Reading Selection pp. xiii – xiv, “Jesse Tree Invitation and Instructions”

Before beginning the journey of leading readers through the 25 days of Advent, Ann Voskamp includes two brief pages inviting us to decorate what she calls a Jesse Tree, each day. Each of the reading selections that follow include a picture of a paper ornament that could be a family craft project to work on together to help process the truth that “He has been coming for us from the beginning.” It’s an artistic way of internalizing the journey.

Let me say up front, if I haven’t before, I am probably the least “craft-y” girl you know, but I live with extremely talented, “craft-y”, artistic people. There’s a beautiful mix of visual artists, performing artists and musicians that live in my home that I get to share my life with…and unfortunately, for most of our time on this earth together I have completely misunderstood and probably misrepresented them as messy, inefficient people who would be so much more “productive” if they would just focus more.

When my oldest was a little girl, maybe 3 or 4, someone gave her an ENORMOUS bead making kit for Christmas or her birthday, I can’t remember which one. Within five minutes, which was as long as it took her to figure out how to unseal the case, that kit had exploded in my living room and about five million beads went everywhere. I remember saying unkind things under my breath about the person who gave her the kit, as I spent the rest of the day on my hands and knees trying to clean it all up. We had an infant learning to crawl and all the beads just looked like a snack to her.

It became apparent that all those beads were never going back into their case, so I found a huge gift bag with handles and just started dumping stuff in the bag. Once it was all in the bag I handed it to Liv Loo and told her she could play with it as long as everything went back in the bag after she was done. Well it didn’t take long for her to start putting her other valuables in the bag. She stuffed it not only with the bead kit, but glue sticks, bits of string, construction paper, gum wrappers, play dough molds, safety scissors and anything else that looked interesting to her. When asked what was in that bag she would say, “That’s my make-stuff.”

She carried that “make-stuff” bag around like it held the crown jewels.  She even slept with it sometimes.  Or more likely she simply fell asleep in the middle of her “make-stuff” when she pulled it back out long after the door was closed, the lights were off and she was supposed to be asleep.  She would sit for hours dumping it all out and creating beautiful art. She was processing her world. Her art included Barney, Popey and me, her sister with the “tight ears”, Mimi and Cod, Aunt Missy, her blue house, her green van and her school.

Back then I cringed every time that “make-stuff” bag came out because it meant days of finding beads and bits of string and paper everywhere. But in hindsight I smile and love all the beauty that came out of that mess.

So, now as I look forward to the season this year of celebrating the Christ who is Love and who has been coming for me since before time…coming for me right in the middle of my mess, I have a much greater appreciation for the “make-stuff” bag. Life is a lot more art than formula. A lot more messy than neat. A lot more about expression than production. It’s all about Love and not having everything tied up with a pretty little bow.

On this 31 Day journey, my artistic processing of these truths will be with my words. But this December I think I’ll see if I can find that “make-stuff” bag. And if I can’t maybe it’s time for a new one. I am pretty sure if I moved some furniture in the blue house, I’d still find a few beads and bits of string.

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31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 1

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31 Days :: Day 31

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31 Days :: Day 5

31 Days :: Day 4

31 Days :: Day 3

31 Days :: Day 2

Welcome to 31 Days of Advent in October :: Day 1! (Yes, technically this is posting on September 30th, but since it’s late in the evening, we’re all just going to pretend it’s October 1st.

As I shared last week, I decided to join the 31 Days of Writing party at The Nester’s this year. It seemed fitting given that not having a blog to wear to the party last year is one of the things that inspired me to actually start my blog this year.  Practically speaking, this post will be an index page for all of my 31 Days posts, sort of a one stop shop.  So if you don’t want to receive an update every single time I post this month (that could be annoying), you could simply bookmark this page and come back when it’s convenient for you to read and then temporarily unfollow my posts.  I promise, I won’t take it personally if you choose to unfollow me this month.   But do please come back in November.  If you choose to continue receiving email updates throughout the month of October, well all I can say is THANK YOU!   You are the most amazing follower EVER!  Now onto the first post…

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Five pages into Ann Voskamp’s latest book, The Greatest Gift: Unwrapping the Full Love Story of Christmas, I was inspired to spend these 31 days of October reading selections from the book and writing out my own Advent thoughts and responses. Maybe a little heart-tuning to Advent in October will bear fruit of gratitude in December when everyone else’s attention also turns to the Babe in a manger.

As the book opens on page vii, with “Your Invitation to Unwrap the Gift”, I read words that have a familiar echo in my own heart in recent months: “…without the genealogy of Christ, the limbs of His past, the branches of His family, the love story of His heart that has been coming for you since before the beginning…” (page viii) and, “This, this is the love story that’s been coming for you since the beginning,” (page x).

The Advent season, the waiting, the coming of Christ, didn’t begin with the Immaculate Conception. It didn’t begin when an angel spoke to a young girl that she would be the earthly mother of Grace wrapped in humanity. It began before a promise to David, before a covenant with Abraham, and even before the promise and comfort in the middle of a curse in Eden.

Advent began before time when Love, in community with itself, decided to create an object for its affection. Christ, Emmanuel, God with Us was never Plan B. He was not Father God’s response to our poor decisions. He is The Plan and He always has been. Pure, unconditional Love wrapped in flesh, inserted into time and space for you and me.

“He’s been coming for us since before the beginning.”

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The Party’s Over & Some Lessons Learned (It’s a Two-fer!)

The Party's Over

The Party’s Over (Photo credit: BrianTuchalskiPhotography)

It’s a sure sign that the party is over and school is back in when by 8:30 a.m. on a Monday morning I have showered; dressed; brushed my teeth; put on make-up, or at least some of it; done two loads of laundry; completed carpool; gone to the grocery store (because I actually know what I am making for dinner); made my bed; unloaded the dishwasher; had two cups of coffee; have had two separate, full-length, adult conversations; and am sitting down to write my SECOND blog post of the day. This won’t post online for a few days, but just know I was thinking about you during my coffee buzz.

As a side note though, I just walked past a mirror and realized that while yes I did actually put on lipstick this morning before going to the grocery store, I didn’t do it well…as in it wasn’t all ‘in the lines’ so to speak. Apparently I either did it in my sleep or without my glasses on. So I apologize to anyone I may have frightened while in the Harris Teeter. I sort of looked like Heath Ledger’s The Joker in The Dark Knight…only I did shower. The other bothersome thing about this lipstick-gone-wrong episode is that at least one of my children saw me that way BEFORE I entered the store. I think I know what we will be talking about over dinner tonight…

So this post is sort of a continuation of what it means to me to have written 70 posts, although now it is officially 71. I was thinking about things I have learned. I no illusions that I am an expert a mere nine months into this blogging journey, these are just things that have blessed me and given me a sense of freedom.

  1. It’s ok not to know exactly what you are doing when you start. It only took me an hour to set up the blog (thank you Word Press!), but it took me another month to learn how to appropriately add links to my posts.  Adding photos took even longer. Yes I could have asked others who know more than I do (and I did some of that), but in the beginning it took all the courage I could muster just to press Publish for each post. So for a while I just focused on getting words down and clicking Publish. And that was enough.  There are still a lot of techie things I would like to learn, so I am taking them one thing at a time.  The most important thing for me is actually the content, even though that may not always be apparent, so that’s where I tend to put my energy.
  2. You don’t have to do it exactly like everyone else. There are many folks out there who willingly share their expertise on how to blog and I enjoy reading their ideas. Sometimes I try on their ideas and if they fit I use them.  If they are just not me then I drop them like a hot potato. If you follow all the how-to’s and formula approaches to blogging (and there are many out there) then your work will look just like theirs. That’s fine if that’s your goal, but I am not sure it’s mine. I realize that certain ‘rules’ apply in terms of achieving social media success, but for me this is more art and less science; it’s more about expression than displaying work product.  I know that’s a little Pollyanna-ish, but that’s where I am.
  3. It’s perfectly ok to try out different writing styles and voices. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you are comfortable with and what you like. I have enjoyed this trying-on process. There’s freedom in knowing every piece doesn’t have to ‘sound’ the same. For instance, I am the same woman who has written about tube tops and Speedos and Bible study and theology and deer in her back yard. I have at times worried it may come off as schizophrenic, but what can I say? I am some amalgamation of Steel Magnolias meets C. S. Lewis meets Stevie Nicks meets Kay Arthur meets Lord of the Rings meets The Middle (Is that the opposite of not being June Cleaver?). It’s bound to come out in my writing.
  4. Every time you sit down to write you don’t have to produce something for public consumption. It’s ok to play with words. It’s ok just to write.  It’s ok to have fun and enjoy writing for its own sake.
  5. Sometimes you just have to let it go. The truth is my ‘need’ to manage your opinion of me makes me want to edit everything to perfection. But my desire for connection on a level deeper than grammar and punctuation makes me click Publish many times before I feel like I am finished. Communicating the message, expressing my heart, and connecting with the reader is a higher goal than someone thinking I am a Grammar & Spelling Ninja. Personally, I think perfection and connection are mutually exclusive. It’s virtually impossible to do both and ever actually get your ideas out there for discussion – at least in the blogging format.
  6. It’s ok to work on more than one thing at a time. Initially I felt like I had to finish everything I started before I started something else. If I set one thing aside to work on a new idea, it felt like adultery. But then I heard someone mention that they have over 200 unfinished posts in their Drafts folder that they periodically pull out, polish and publish.  It was a light bulb moment.  Now I too have a Drafts folder. She is my friend. She holds ideas for me that aren’t quite complete or didn’t develop the way I wanted. And at the right time when the idea starts to gel, I can go back and finish it or totally rework it. I don’t know if I will ever use everything in the Drafts folder, but I like keeping my options open.
  7. It’s ok if people don’t like your work. Again, I am sure others might not struggle with this, but it’s hard when someone calls your baby ugly. But it really is perfectly acceptable for other to disagree with you, or not understand your point or even get angry with you. While I hate conflict and I don’t like being perceived as rude, sometimes we need to be provoked by another persons thoughts or opinions in order to cause us to look at ideas with fresh eyes and a new perspective. If you can express yourself without trying to simply convince people to like your work, it is very possible you can help them see from a different perspective. You can help shape your culture within your sphere of influence. I am sure even now water sport enthusiasts everywhere are rethinking their position on Speedos (major SARCASM)!

I know it’s weird to stop after number seven, but I could probably go on ad nauseam because the truth is a year ago this blog thing was just an idea without a name. It was a hope without an expression. So every single thing I have done has been a lesson learned. And every day that I hop on here and string words together, well, I am just grateful the internet is free and I don’t have to pass any certification exams to join the party.

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Happy 70th!

Party Streamers

Party Streamers (Photo credit: imedagoze)

I don’t know why this seems significant to me, but it does. This marks my 70th post in this space since I started blogging back in January of this year.

Seventy seems like a lot in certain contexts. For instance, 70 seems like a lot of birthdays and it really seems like a lot of wedding anniversaries. Seventy miles per hour seems like a high rate of speed. Seventy dollars seems like a lot of money for a pair of shoes or a sweater. Seventy cats or dogs would seem to be a lot of pets and 70 acres seems like a lot of land. And if there were 70 states in the USA, well that’s a lot more than 50.

But in other contexts seventy seems low or small. A 70 on a test seems like a low number. Seventy dollars also seems low for a car payment or better yet a mortgage payment. Seventy cents isn’t even enough to buy a candy bar.  Seventy square feet would seem like a very small amount of space for a house.

I am not sure what 70 means in terms of blog posts, but I will tell you what it means to me. It means that 70 times I sat down to a blank screen and words came. And enough words came to form a thought and communicate a message. Sometimes that message was more clear than others. Sometimes it was like giving birth and sometimes it flowed out like water from a fountain. Sometimes it happened at 3:45 a.m. (like this one) and sometimes it happened at 3:45 p.m. just as everyone walked in the door from school. Sometimes it came one single, solitary word at a time and sometimes it was like a flood and I couldn’t write fast enough. Sometimes I was the only one who “got it” and sometimes people “got” things I didn’t even intend.

I promised myself two things when I started this and I don’t know if I’ve ever shared this, but I have now written enough posts that I officially can’t remember everything I have and have not shared…and this bears repeating anyway:

  1. I promised myself that once I hit Publish on each post I wasn’t going to stress myself out and correct mistakes if I later found (or anyone graciously or even ungraciously pointed out) any spelling or grammar errors. I decided that part of this grace journey is being myself and being transparent, including my mistakes. So as long as a typo didn’t grossly alter the meaning of what I intended to say,  I have let them all stand as published. This is my little way of choosing to no longer live such a highly edited version of life in order to give the illusion of having it all together.  Of course there was the time I accidentally hit Publish and the post was literally only half-way written. I considered that more of an incomplete than a mistake, though.  Three hundred missing words is a little more than a typo!
  2. I also promised myself that I wouldn’t beat myself up over maintaining strict writing deadlines.  My 3D life and the people in it are more important than this space and there are just times when the speed of life crowds out words.  And that’s ok. I’ve done away with internal deadlines for myself. I don’t want to Publish just to hear myself talk (although on occasion it may sound that way). So while I like the rhythm of hitting Publish two or three times a week, it’s ok when that doesn’t happen. I don’t want this to be a formula. I want this to flow out of my life journey, not drive it.

I realize that people who are comfortable in their own skin and embrace the unique way God created them will ask themselves why I needed to promise myself these two things…well because for most of my life I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin and I had no clue about my uniqueness, let alone how to embrace it and live it.  So for this girl, both of these things have been a huge sign of freedom for me.

So here’s to 70! I celebrate all that you are. I am not worried about what you are not and I am not concerned about what you will be. I am grateful for this moment!  And I am grateful for those journeying with me.  To those who have read and endured all 70 posts and the continuing transformation, all I can say is that I am humbled that you would hang in there (I know some of it has been rough).  And to those who have only read one, I am also humbled that you would grace me with your time, and I invite you to join the conversation.

What are you celebrating in this season?  What are you grateful for?

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Play

chocolate bar milk shakes

chocolate bar milk shakes (Photo credit: twobobswerver)

Pressing the Play button after a Pause is a little daunting.

Just needed to sit on some thoughts and ideas for a bit to let them become more clear before spinning them back out in this space.

Picture making a chocolate milkshake.  You grab your blender, put in different ingredients – chocolate ice cream, milk, chocolate syrup – and then you blend them together.  If you don’t put the lid on the machine while it’s blending you’ll just be scraping a mess of ice cream, milk, and chocolate syrup off the ceiling, you and the floor instead of enjoying the end product.

Sometimes keeping the lid on things for a bit produces a more enjoyable, well-blended treat.  It might still be messy in the end and it will NEVER be perfect, but at least it will be poured out and presented in a more attractive manner instead of splattered everywhere.  🙂

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Unmasked

Every time I sit to write there are a couple of nagging questions in the back of my mind: 1) what if this time I have nothing to say?  2) what if what’s in my heart doesn’t make sense on the screen?  Sometimes trying to articulate in the natural what God is doing in the Spirit can be challenging and overwhelming.  And let’s just face it, it’s never going to come out perfectly anyway.

For the past couple of weeks, really beginning with All. Is. Grace., moving to the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her hair and tears and then particularly walking out of darkness like Lazarus and being angry with God, the content of my posts has been written to share more of the real me.  I am intentionally removing the masks I’ve worn for many years, the masks I’ve hidden behind (even from myself) and sharing Kim.

Increasingly, each post has become more and more like giving birth – painful, tearful, at some point I am not sure if it’s ever going to happen, but then joyful and life-giving when it finally arrives.  From the reader’s perspective I am not sure if anyone would be able to see a discernible difference, but writing has become more of a working out my faith in fear and trembling, than a systematic process.

In fact, as I write each post God has often been doing a deep work on this side of my computer.  As He gives me words to articulate my life there is a growing depth to our relationship because I really am depending on Him every step of the way.  Sometimes I am even having revelation as I type or as I share with friends thoughts and ideas that eventually get published.

So, if this journey is so awesome (and it is), you might be shocked to learn that as I’ve shared without the masks so to speak I have been battling a growing anxiety.  When I first started the blog the Publish button was bullying me around.  I have come to terms with the fact that the Publish button works for me, not me for it.  It is not going to do anything that doesn’t serve my purposes (except for the time I accidentally hit Publish instead of Preview and my post left the Draft folder before I was ready).  In other words, I have made peace with it and we are now friends.

The growing anxiety has come AFTER I hit Publish and my humble offerings have gone out to the world.  As friends read their posts via email, or come to my site or click the link on Facebook, or however they arrive to my online home and partake of my inner most thoughts, my pulse starts to race, my breathing gets faster and knots form in my stomach.  As my site meter climbs and the number of visitors and views grows I actually get nauseous.

For about the last two weeks my stomach has hurt almost constantly.  It’s hurt in spite of the fact that I am getting positive feedback and encouragement regularly (and yes even from people who don’t know and love me).  It’s hurt in spite of the profound closeness I’ve experienced with the Lord in the writing of each post.

While I have shared this with a couple of very close friends, I have for the most part kept this between me and the Lord.  Finally He showed me some of what’s been going on in my heart.  When I hit Publish I am not looking for approval from people or way more importantly from Him, I am actually EXPECTING REJECTION, particularly from Him.  The anxiety is in the waiting and anticipation of the rejection to manifest itself.  Let’s be honest, expecting rejection has been the whole reason behind wearing the masks all these years.  As they come off, there’s nothing between me and you, between me and God.  The potential for intimacy is great, but the potential for pain is huge too.

Instead of resting in His UNCONDITIONAL Love, His TOTAL acceptance of me, the high value He places on me (did you know Believers in Christ are worth as much to God as Jesus Christ Himself?), and trusting I am secure in Him, I have been waiting for Him to say, “No, that post isn’t right,” or “No, you are not cut out for this,” or, “Is that the best you can do?”

I think God moves us out of our comfort zones to take us to new places of relationship with Him.  Not only am I learning to depend on Him for the writing itself, but I am learning that the outcome is completely up to Him too.  Yes, I might get hurt in this process.  Yes, I will make mistakes.  Yes, it is possible that no one may ever “get me”, except God.  But to know Him in a more intimate and revealing way and to experience life lived out of relationship with Him, it’s so worth the risk.

And no matter where this writing adventure (or anything else in my life) goes or where it doesn’t, God is pleased with me.  He is pleased with me simply because I am His daughter.  And if I may be so bold, I think He’s actually excited for me and about me.

As I wrap up this post, this is the song the Lord put on my heart, What Joy.  Enjoy! (Sarah Emerson does a beautiful job, but this Mama LOVES to hear her babies sing this song! It’s my blog, I can be partial if I want. :))

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A New Adventure

The week before New Year’s my husband and I went out to dinner one night.  I talked to him about writing and how I have always wanted to write a book.  I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but I am sure I shared all the reasons I have come up with not to write (e.g. Do I have anything worth saying?  Do I have anything to say that someone else hasn’t already said or said better? I don’t know what I am doing.  Would anyone read it?).  Finally, he said, “Well, why don’t you just go ahead and write the book?”

That one question was all I needed to propel me to start this blog a few days later (a special thank you to my husband).  A blog seemed a natural first step.  It gives me the opportunity to practice the discipline of writing on a regular basis.  Knowing that even a few others will actually read what I publish adds an extra layer of tension, good tension, that makes me work harder at it.

Early on in this leg of my journey I shared here how writing has been a life long dream for me (see Living the Dream).  While writing in this space is definitely part of a fulfillment of that dream, if I really get down to it, writing a book has been the heart of my dream.

Last weekend as I was perusing some posts by other bloggers that I follow, I came across an intriguing piece of information.  A writing conference in October (that I haven’t even decided to attend or even talked to my husband about come to think of it…hhhmmmm) is hosting a contest for aspiring non-fiction authors.  The winner will receive a contract with a well-known publisher.  A light went on in the back of my mind.  Even if my idea doesn’t win the contest, having a specific deadline and knowing professionals would read my work really piqued my interest.

But then I thought, “I don’t know about this, maybe it’s just my flesh.”  So I said what all good Christian women say when asking themselves if it’s the Holy Spirit or their flesh, “I’ll take it to the Lord.”  So I took it to Him and walked away with more questions than answers, like, “Lord, when would I even have time to write a book proposal? ” and “Lord, where would I start?”  In other words, I tried to tell God why it’s not really a great idea.

Fast forward to Monday morning…I woke up with a lot on my heart, but nothing on my computer screen ready to publish  (I am trying to post on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so that I get into a regular rhythm of writing).  So I poured out my heart on my laptop (no kidding, I really cried writing that entire post about the woman with the hair and the tears and I still have more to say about that) and then I hit Publish.  Immediately my heart dropped to my stomach because I had published without giving it a title.  I made a MISTAKE!!!!

The next evening, Tuesday, I decided to write my post for Wednesday.  I tried to prevent another hasty title-less posting accident by writing it in advance and scheduling it to publish at a pre-determined day and time.  However, when I went to Preview it I hit Publish instead (they both have P’s, right???).  My second MISTAKE in two days!  It was immediately confirmed, I have no idea what I am doing.  By the end of the week I was really asking myself why on earth I thought I could possibly write a book if I can’t even manage to publish a blog the right way?

But God…on Wednesday, while blow drying my hair and talking to Him (that’s about the extent of my multitasking abilities), He gave me my starting point, the basic layout of the book.  I could clearly see it in my mind’s eye.  On Friday, He answered my other big question, “When would I have time to write?” by freeing up a couple of blocks of time in my weekly schedule.  But then the lies started to creep in and the insecurities of my mistakes that week rose up and began to taunt me.

So I did the next thing Christian women sometimes do when they are feeling overwhelmed, insecure and lost…I hopped online and looked for a conference where I could go and gather with others who already know what they are doing and learn how they did it!  I could learn from them how to do it the right way, with no mistakes.  Two particular conferences (they shall remain nameless to protect the innocent) seemed ideal in terms of content and speakers, but the more I read about them the more anxious I became.  I heard the Lord whisper to me, “If I gave you the idea, the outline and the time, don’t you think I can give you the whole thing?”

He let me know right then and there this journey is about me and Him.  It’s about our relationship, not about a finished product.  My journey is unique and to try to do it the same way as anyone else would be fraudulent, fake, without substance.  It wouldn’t be a true representation of what He is doing in my life.

The bottom line is the Lord and I will be spending the next month working on a book proposal.  I don’t like not knowing what I am doing.  I don’t like being uncertain of the outcome.  But I love this journey of learning to depend on God; of pursuing a relationship without worrying about producing content; of  learning to abide in Him and bear fruit instead of being independent and trying to manufacture my own.

John 15:4-5 – “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”